Self-esteem and Intimate Partnership

Self-esteem and Intimate Partnership

written by: Kosjenka Muk

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I'm often asked about which qualities should one seek in a potential partner. I thought that this question deserved to be answered in more detail so here I present an article about it.

I will put self-esteem in the first place, since self-esteem influences all other aspects of our lives. However, it is not easy to find a person with true, healthy self-esteem. Many forms of behaviour that are considered to be expressions of (too much) self-esteem are actually just compensations for the lack of self-love: attention seeking, exhibitionism, arrogance, hunger for power and so on. Very often our subconscious self-image is unpleasant and the conscious self-image less or more indifferent. In my opinion not many of us have truly experienced how different our life would be if we felt real self-love. (For more information check out the article "What is Self-esteem?")

Many people feel flattered and pleased when they sense that their partner needs them badly, clings to them, and will suffer a lot if they should separate (doesn't this sound like what we often consider to be romantic love?). But exactly those are the symptoms that your partner loves you in an infantile, needy way and not in an adult manner. He or she does not see you as a real, unique human being, but as a substitute for an important person from his/her past. In this case his love actually does not belong to you. In this type of relationship you do not have the freedom to be what you truly are. Your partner is bonded to you, dependent of you playing the role you were given, and expects you to be the kind of person she feels the need for. Every discrepancy from that idealized image creates fears, disrupts the atmosphere and causes accusations and conflicts.

For an emotionally healthy person, closeness with an emotionally mature partner who is not dependent of our love is a true compliment – but many people feel insecure in this kind of relationship because of the popular belief that love means clinging and dramatic, dependent reactions.

If you notice that you melt with tenderness, or feel a subtle increase in your feeling of security, even a certain type of strength or superiority whenever you notice your partner expressing symptoms of low self-esteem: dependency, bonding, self-criticism, pessimism etc. – you should know that to the exact same level he or she is incapable to feel mature love and respect for you, and that this will surely cause problems in some other areas of your relationship. To the extent by which somebody criticises himself, does not listen to his own needs, treats his true emotions as not important, he will tend to do the same to others in some other circumstances, including you. On the other hand, if somebody is inconsiderate to other people's feelings and needs, shows coldness, criticism, aggression and irony, he will treat his own true being in the same way. It might not be obvious from outside... aggressiveness is a mask under which that person suppresses a lot of self-hatred.

If you show pity, connivance and play the role of saviour when your partner acts like a victim, you will not help your partner. This, however, does not mean you should leave her, or that you should be rigid, coldly rational or critical in those moments. Adult love sometimes means compassionately, with tact and respect, confronting the person you love with reality and giving support in her efforts to become happy and independent.

This doesn't mean that if you have high self-esteem you'll be happy all the time and other people's behavior won't bother you at all. Sadness is a natural reaction to loss, and fear, longing, anger... are all natural emotions. (Check the article "Emotional Maturity 1" for the info about distinguishing healthy - adult emotions from childish ones). Being able to accept your emotions and to be open to them, to express them in an appropriate way, is a mark of true self-esteem. Same with trusting yourself and your partner enough to be able to open and relax within the relationship. This can be considered a healthy way of bonding.

On the other hand, the less you value yourself, the more powerless you feel and the more will you try to make other people and outer circumstances responsible for your emotions and overall happiness. As a result, you might blame others, complain, avoid noticing and considering others' feelings and needs, and might resort to emotional blackmail.

The second place on the list of desirable qualities goes to commitment to self improvement and personal growth. The reason why this quality is not on top of the list is the fact that lack of self-esteem slows down the process of change, makes a person dependent, prone to suggestions, often dogmatic and more focused on formalities rather than on the true essence of personal development. A person who on a deep level does not appreciate herself will most probably value the other person’s opinion rather than her own, and sabotage all changes that might lead to the increase of happiness. The quality of his or her partnership might be one of those. Therefore I believe self-esteem to be more important for a successful relationship.

Self-esteem is a postulate for optimism, and often for a healthy sense of humor, communication skills and many other qualities that we expect from a good partner. But the fact is that even if we meet the person who possesses all those qualities – very often we will not perceive him or her as a potential partner! We might appreciate this person, but we might not feel romantically attracted (except maybe if the person is unavailable), since the role of the feeling that we call romantic love is to bind us to a person who will provoke our unresolved patterns and problems. Many people who repeat the pattern of obviously unhealthy relationships have learned to associate dramatic and immature behaviour with love, and thus find it attractive. In that case, they might feel bored in a relationship with a healthy person. Even if you are attracted to more mature relationships, you probably still carry some of your unhealthy images of love and are attracted to them, although this is harder to recognise since the patterns are subtle and not so obvious.

Is it easy and comfortable for you to feel intense love for yourself? Do you posses a natural trust that other people can truly, deeply and consistently love you? Do you have experiences with people who you loved, but who were not able to accept or trust your love? If we do not love ourselves, we can't truly feel or believe in other people's love either.

I'd say that, when another person loves us, we do not “receive“ their love directly: our awareness of the other's love amplifies and supports those parts of us that are healthy and full of love for ourselves. Only to the extent to which we are able to love and appreciate ourselves, will we be able to feel the fullness and depth of love that the other person feels for us.

In any case, we will feel attracted to the person whose emotional maturity – which is inseparable from self-esteem - is in line with our own. This helps us understand how important it is to work on our self-improvement "in advance", rather than to hope that a relationship with another person will bring solutions to our problems. This is why it's said “to find the person you want, first you have to become such a person”.

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