Our True Self

Our True Self

written by: Kosjenka Muk

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Human beings are naturally capable of wonderful, deep, sophisticated emotions, inspiring and passionate love and joy. It is often difficult, though, to stay in touch with these parts of ourselves for an extended period of time.

A small child can only through his environment create an image of himself and his behaviour. The child looks for his reflection in the reactions of others around him, and becomes able to assess those feelings which others reflect back to him. If people around the child are not capable to see, recognize and appreciate his true being, the child has no resources to do it by himself. So little by little the child will lose contact with that part of herself, even if there were no serious traumas present. Similarly as the muscles weaken if not used, our true being can also “undergrow“. This is not the most precise expression – something that is our true being and what we truly are can not actually undergrow – but as we loose our memory and capability to live from these emotions, the outer result could be described like this.

In individual sessions, we often investigate which parts of ourselves we have lost contact with in such a way. Usually those are the most gentle, warmest aspects of our being, those parts that are most loving to the whole world and ourselves.

If you examine what hurts you most when you feel belittled and criticised, you will probably find the feeling that your true being is unseen and not taken into account, while the unimportant parts of your behaviour are interpreted in all sorts of arbitrary ways.

Everyone of us has infantile parts of personality, which, based on prior experiences might feel rejected and unappreciated even in situations when this is not truly realistic: for example when someone boasts or praises somebody else, when we are asked to do something that we do not feel comfortable about, when we hear an opinion which is different from ours… these are the benign situations, and even they can very often trigger infantile emotions. It is even harder when we are in contact with a person who shows disrespect and irreverence directly. Then it is very hard to stay adult and not to react back in a same manner – that is to lose out of sight the person’s true being and act in unproper way.

A direct trigger is not always needed to stimulate the feeling of rejection. Just the atmosphere in which true consciousness and relationships are missing can be enough. Just being in contact with people who cannot truly recognise themselves and others – and to some extent this is true for all of us – can weaken the awareness of a small child and make it grow up to be the same kind of a person.

While walking through a city, again and again you revive that experience and atmosphere. You meet people and children full of empty, cold or even scornful faces…and probably you close up yourself. In a very subtle way, each of those encounters, even if you do not look at them very closely, is a confirmation of that early experience. Without the possibility to express or experience our true nature and deepest feelings, they will “die out“, at least for our superficial consciousness.

We all have difficulties in our lives, and sometimes we can feel that nobody sees or appreciates this. And sometimes it is true. But on the other hand, can we see and appreciate the efforts of others? Very rarely. To expect that from ourselves and others is unrealistic in this society, since nobody had a chance to really learn how to do it.

Imagine how it would be like to live in a society that really sees and accepts us even if we are not perfect. How would it be if we were able to accept other people in the same way?

It's unrealistic to expect that from ourselves and others too soon. We all like to think that others should „take into consideration“ this and that, but it is not so easy. It takes time for us and others to heal. We cannot see and appreciate others if we reject parts of self. I can notice that sometimes when I try to have that kind of attitude towards others, parts of me starts to ask: „And what about me?” Sometimes I feel an irrational fear that if I truly respect others, I have to reject myself or accept rude behaviour. Those are infantile fears that are not in line with reality – but they are there.

Sometimes we can feel a need to act more mature than others, just so that we could feel that we are better than them. But this does not resolve the problem, it only covers it up.

Even when we feel that somebody really sees or accepts our deepest feelings, we can suspect if they are sincere or whether we deserve this. It may even seem to us as a way of manipulation, if we had earlier experiences in which we were manipulated or exploited through pretended love.

The most common obstacle in personal growth work is that we hardly notice our everyday mental state and how it could be changed. When for a short moment we become aware of an emotional problem, as soon as the crisis is over we go back to the “this-is-not-as-bad-as-it-seems” feeling very easily.

No matter how much we would like that, I do not believe it possible to achieve a change on a superficial, rational level only. Just like in other areas of our lives that we wish to change, what is needed is to reach the inner selves and heal them through deep emotional experience. After that, it's important to practice continuous awareness and action from the centre of our being. Often it takes time to learn to act like that in everyday life – since for decades our true being had no contact with external reality. But yes, this is possible. Maybe you cannot even imagine how much beauty you can find in yourself once you start the search.

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