Patterns in Love Relationships

(Part 2)

written by: Kosjenka Muk

 

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There are three basic ways in which we create emotional patterns and beliefs that shape our relationships:

1. personal experience with parents: if parents treat the child with love and healthy appreciation, or in a controlling, humiliating and aggressive way, it will be the behaviour that will become natural and expected to us, and we'll probably start to associate it with love. As small children, we'll also create an impression that it is what we deserve. If a parent acts like a victim, needy or dependent (e.g. addictions) we might develop a deep desire to help him and thus deserve love. In that case, even as adults we'll still be attracted to people who seem to need help and simpathy. A big part of our intimate relationships might be desribed as subliminal attempts to deserve love in circumstances similar as in time we needed it most - early childhood.
   
   
2. modelling and indentifying with parents' behaviour and way of life. Children learn through identifying with parents, taking over their gender roles, behaviour, beliefs and attitudes. It all becomes obvious in intimate relationships in particular.
   
   
3. Relationship between parents. The way parents treat each other and communicate to each other, words and idioms they use, the way they share work and responsibilities... the younger we are, the more likely it is that we'll accept it as normal. In our own misunderstandings and conflicts with partner, it's easy to automatically repeat our parents' behaviour and so create an athmosphere similar as in our early family. We might be so convinced it's natural that we might not even try to question or analyze our behaviour.

A common example of complementary patterns is an emotionally closed, cold man and emotionally hungry, demanding woman. This is partly based on gender differences, but unhealthy family patterns are of crucial importance. Most commonly, such a closed man grew up with a pushy or needy mother, whether she was controlling him or playing victim. He developed coldness and withdrawal as defence, often following a role model of an emotionally distant father. Sometimes both parents might be pushy, or the roles might be reverse. His female partner most commonly experienced growing up with a cold parent who ignored her, most often father, but not as a rule. Trying to get close to him and win his attention, she learned to use different approaches: trying to please him, crying, anger or complaints, sometimes manipulation and playing victim.

A withdrawn, closed partner will trigger memories and emotions related to father in such a woman: abandonement, neglect, feeling scorned. She will then automatically try to use her childish reactions, first in a mild, then more intense way. In the man, his own memories are then instantly triggered: feeling that his boudaries are threatened, that he's being used and manipulated and has nowhere to hide... except within. Add to that low quality communication by both partners, also learned in their families... and a vicious circle is started, that creates more and more stress, dissapointment, anger and resentment. In the same time, partners still subliminally hope that the other will change and feel childish feelings of being trapped, as well as fear of abandoning all hope for love if the relationship is ended.

Unfortunately, most couples start looking for help only after their mutual trust is deeply damaged and motivation almost exhausted. Then even tiny details in partner's behaviour remind the other partner of all the past frustration and resentment. To start from beginning, to practice noticing and correcting unhealthy emotions and communication together, might be extremely difficult if partners don't have patience to allow each other to occasionally repeat old mistakes while learning to communicate in a new, unfamiliar way.

Some other examples of bonding based on childish emotions:

1. A woman attracted to a domineering, controlling man, who she perceives as strong, decisive and confident, just as she perceived her father who acted in a similar manner. As she did as a child, she starts to hope that she will win and "earn" his attention and approval, becoming bonded by that hope. The man maybe had a mother who was childish or weak, and learned to perceive all women as such, probably following his father's model. In the same time, he might feel deep attraction based on unconscious hope that the important woman will finally change, take responsibility and start giving him the kind of love and approval he really wanted.
   
   
2. A woman attracted to ambivalent, unpredictable men who act gentle and warm in one moment, only to change into aggressive and scornful in the next. Their unpleasant behaviour reminds her of her childish feeling of not being worthy, but then she longs even more for the comfort and support she feels in the moments of the man's pleasant and warm behaviour. The man is likely to carry a deep inner conflict between different parts of personality and defence mechanisms. For example, conflict between his healthy, warm feelings and anger and resentment towards parents, or perhaps he had to act one role in front of father, another in front of mother. Such a conflict cannot be resolved by rationality, will or external relationships.
   
   
3. A man full of guilt and self-doubt, who enters a relationship or even marriage mostly to avoid hurting the woman. Of course, such decisions make him even more bonded by guilt and suppressed resentment instead of love. He might hope for resolution and forgiveness. He might fall in love with another woman, who will trigger his hopes of love and bliss, but will feel too guilty to leave the current partner. His partner might be controlling and manipulative, out of early childish conclusion that she can't earn or be given love, but has to control people to receive at least some kind of attention.

Everybody who ever fell in love, had a chance to experience to what extent the emotions from childhood are deep and overwhelming, to what extent they evade all the rational arguments and decisions. If you are in such a relationship now, you have a perfect chance to recognize how you felt as a child and what do you still carry within. A chance, also, to change those feelings, primarily through healing inner child, exercising self-love and learning quality communication. Under condition that you're not abused, it might be better not to force yourself to end the relationship by rational decision. If you end the relationship without resolving your feelings, it's highly likely that you will repeat similar patterns in your following relationships. Instead, focus on working with your emotions and inner child, untill you feel the attraction to unhealthy partnership diminishing, so that you can end the relationship without strong emotions and inner conflict. Or perhaps you will notice that, the more healthy and mature your behavior becomes, the more your partner will change in a similar way.

(back to part 1)

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