Achieving a Lasting Change

written by: Kosjenka Muk

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Some people simply lack the confidence that they are able to change. They have a feeling that their problems are either too difficult or too deep, or they are disappointed with different methods they tried. Even more often we are inclined to lose motivation if a dramatic change does not happen in a month or two; sometimes even when aware that we did not actually invest enough time and effort in self-improvement, or that we did not practice the things we learned. Very often we practice exercises and techniques irregularly, e.g., just a couple of times in a month. Then after a few months we are not satisfied with the results, as if we expect that the results can come just from the fact that we know something rationally. On the other hand, people who really devote time to practice, sometimes expect too much change in a short period, and if this does not happen, their motivation falls back very quickly.

One of the most important things that I can say about the topic of personal improvement work is: give yourself time! Emotional problems were generated at the very early stages of the creation of your personality, and then reinforced for decades. From the neurological point of view, repeated patterns in thinking create neurological links, which consequently make it very easy to repeat same patterns of thinking, feeling and behaviour. It takes a longer period of time for new neurological links to be shaped and new ways of thinking to be created.

Just like with losing weight and learning new skills – playing a new instrument, driving a car, creative writing or anything else – if the target date you set is just few weeks or months, not only you will be unsatisfied with the results, but also with the process itself. A short deadline will create pressure and a feeling of failure and insufficiency, and you will - just like with rapid diets – very quickly return to old habits and old problems. It is much wiser to give yourself six months, a year or two, depending on the nature of the problem, and to establish a regular routine, start creating habits that you will be able to stick to with satisfaction, even with pleasure – for a extended period, even for a lifetime sometimes.

While working with people, I noticed that such change is especially difficult for those who were unwanted children. They never had the chance to experience even the most basic feeling of being accepted and welcome into this world, so the sole foundation of their self-image is negative. A similar case is with people whose parents were disappointed with the sex of their child. In older generations these are mostly women, but lately it's more likely for men too. Those children carry the feeling of rejection and unappreciation, not because of their behaviour, which can be changed, but because of something that is inherently part of their being and identity. Their inner child needs much more time of intense support and love to be able to change those deeply imprinted images.

My experience in working with such people is that they usually report of very positive changes in contextual issues, for example emotions like guilt, anger or similar emotions regarding specific tipe of external situations. But for more significant changes in personality or in achieving live’s important goals, like changing jobs or creating a partnership, a whole cluster of deep beliefs and inappropriate emotional reactions has to be changed, not just one or two, as we usually hope. People with a difficult past were reinforcing their emotions and beliefs through whole series of traumatic experiences and unhealthy relationships, and this will require longer and intense work to change.

I would like to give an example of a person who was first a client and later became a close friend, and who 18 months ago started to work with me on her partnership problems like being hurt by some parts of her partner's behaviour, occasional jealousy, feeling of being overly attached, suffering in times of separation etc.

At the beginning we usually met twice a month, afterwards once in two or three months. In the meantime she was working alone with guided exercises. Very soon she started to notice increased self-confidence and independence and felt no longer dependent on her partner's actions. After some time she started to feel less and less attracted to the relationship in which she felt that her true wishes and needs were not fulfilled. Still, she decided not to force herself to end the relationship, but to stay in it as long as she felt attracted to it, using that time to work on every problem that occurred.

As time passed, she used to tell me more and more often that the attraction is diminishing and that she is no longer sure for how long this relationship would last. Recently her situation came to resolution: she met another man with whom she realised a relationship that she describes as true closeness and partnership, everyday magic, an experience that is almost difficult to believe in.

This is a beautiful – and realistic! – example of what can be achieved through long-term continuous work and honesty to oneself. It might seem that this approach requires much more time and effort than some other „magic pill“ methods. But in this way the problem is resolved at its root, at the level of cause instead of consequences, just like obesity cannot be resolved with creams and pills, but by changing habits that caused the problem.

Permanent and significant results will come through a combination of dealing with the cause, developing new levels of conciousness and perception, which means creating new emotional experiences, and implementing changes in behaviour into the daily life

Sometimes people tell me that their starting position is far more difficult and complicated than the situations other people have, presuming that it’s hard for me to understand them, since I do not know exactly how they feel. If I talk about myself in the present, it is true that I begin from the good starting position and with a positive approach towards myself. But at the point when I started working on my personal growth I hardly felt like this. When I look back into my past, it is as specific as every individual is specific. In general I would say that my emotional state was an average one, with some advantages, but also with difficulties if I compare myself to some other people (sometimes people hardly believe when I talk about how I experienced myself when I was a teenager). However, exactly those difficulties were the motivation to start to work on my personal growth and research, just like for so many other people too.

By nature our psychological structure is inert, we need certain sense of continuity, gradual transition from the known to the unknown, instead of a dramatic change. Some people have a conscious fear of change, although for much more people this fear is unconscious. Our personality consists of many parts, so called subpersonalities: some of them are more and some less active, some we suppress or we are not even aware of them. Those parts need time to reorganise and adjust to change; some parts might resist change due to the fear of “death”, disappearance of old personality and its transition into some kind of nothingness. Because of the same reason – fear of losing oneself and consciousness about self – people might fear spiritual experiences and intense intimacy with others.

In spite of all promises and glorification, among all the methods for personal growth that I tried out, and what I heard from other people trying the same, I do not know anyone who was able to achieve a dramatic – and lasting - change in a short-term period. From time to time some people whom I work with tell me that their lives have truly changed, but never in days or weeks. Only when they look back and remember the way they felt earlier, months before, they see the change. Such a goal is achievable, very inspiring and motivating. If only we were not so used to this consumer society, buying everything in “instant packages“, and if we were willing to invest ourselves and our time into the process of personal change, instead of trying to achieve an inner change and development of character by external means. It can be only achieved through experience and deep honesty.

From time to time sudden “leaps“ in improvement are possible, even important positive changes in short periods, but those are only the results of previous extended work on personal growth by which conditions to transfer onto the new level of perception were created.

My experience is that sometimes true and complete confrontation with an external situation can bring so many liberating insights and changes in perspective that some emotional problem spontaneously heals, and with it the need to create similar situations. For example a few times I have experienced that if I said aloud my opinion to the people whose reactions I was afraid of, I felt an enormous relief and freedom, the feeling that it is my right to speak up. But to be able to do that we need a strong awareness about our own emotions, and other people’s emotions too, truthfulness to ourselves, to learn how to appropriately react to outer situations. This kind of healing is thus also a result of long-term effort in personal growth.

It is much easier and faster to work on resolving inner unpleasant emotions before confronting an external situation, but one without the other is not enough – either making inner improvements without checking the results in external situations, or trying to change outer circumstances without changing the deep beliefs that originally created them.

Just as with losing weight, the ability to accept the fact that we cannot be liberated from our imperfections in a very short time is the key to true liberation. Just like in choosing a profession or hobby, it is important to feel a satisfaction in the process itself, not only in the result. This is a good opportunity to spontaneously practise enjoying the present moment and to love ourselves just the way we are.

In that way the change happens gradually, step by step, layer by layer, but in a continuum, effectively and with permanent results. One year of patience and discipline can often save a decade of useless efforts. At the end, you will have a rare opportunity to look back at your past with satisfaction and to say to yourself something like this: “If two or three years ago I could have seen myself as I am now, I would not have recognised myself!“

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