Manipulation and Need for Power

Manipulation and Need for Power

written by: Kosjenka Muk

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I have noticed, from time to time, books and workshops that are advertised with bombastic promises such as: 'take control in all communications', 'get people to do things you want them to do', ' develop magnetic attraction' and so on.

Everything we do influences other people, even without our knowing or meaning to. Hence the authors of such books might say: since we already do this, why then not to do this so to gain some benefit for ourselves? In an article about a man who gives workshops for men on attracting women, I read, amongst other things, his comment that there are ways in which a man may encourage the woman he desires to be more self-confident, or that by using specific words he can suggest that she is spontaneous, has an adventurous spirit, is relaxed, etc. and that there is nothing negative about this.

Communication skills are incredibly important in human relations because with careless communication we can create a number of misunderstandings and problems. Often, though, there is a thin line between the conscious use of communication techniques in order to improve relations and communications, and to influence other people to do things we want them to do, but which perhaps are not what they truly want to do, or, what is even more common, when they are not even aware of our intentions.

For example, parents who know of communication techniques with their children often don't use them in an honest attempt to understand what their children want and feel, but to control their behaviour. In the former example of seduction workshops, such methods are used in order to attain sex or have a short fling without disclosing one's true intentions, especially without considering the possible consequences for the woman. They may also be used to get the other person to fall in love with you before they have had the opportunity to get to know your true personality and are able to judge how much they really like you. Furthermore, men in those workshops were encouraged to make a woman feel insecure and increase her desire to fulfill expectations.

Promoters of the use of the art of communication to control others, would say that we are actually doing them good, in particular if we have succeeded in making the other person really want to behave in the way we want, or to feel better about himself. This idea, however, is a disrespectful attitude and implies that we know what is good for the other person better than he himself knows. This is an egotistical and immature viewpoint sometimes even in a parent - child relationship, and especially in relation to another adult. Even if you try to prevent somebody from making a mistake - people need mistakes. How else can we learn, if not from experience?

Even if we believe we are doing good to the other, we have to ask ourselves if we can really feel good and do we have a clear conscience knowing that we have influenced another person without her knowledge? Is it possible to do this with true respect for the other, if we through purposeful control automatically place him in the position of a weaker, manipulated person? In such a relationship honesty and closeness are much less likely to occur. From another perspective, is it at all possible to influence another person with their full knowledge and agreement, if we often don't know ourselves how we influence others?

Perhaps the more you try to hide from the other person that you are trying to influence him, the more you try to do this from a disrespectful position. Communication techniques are the most honest and respectful if we can apply them without hiding our intentions. I personally, for my own integrity, favour adhering to approaches which are not designed to awaken certain emotions or response, but rather to help another person to consciously and independently consider both their own and my viewpoints.

The need for power is within all people. We desire to shine outwardly, be attractive to others, feel more powerful; for all of us these are very attractive images and it is easy to find justifications in our attempt to achieve them. The question that we rarely put forward is why do we feel the need to do this? What internal feeling is missing that makes us seek these reassurances in such a manner? Why do we feel sufficiently worthy solely when we feel special or better than others? Working on our own feelings of self-esteem rather than on external image may save us not only years but decades of effort.

Moreover, no kind of external success can change the way we feel about ourselves, except temporarily. Self-esteem must come from within rather than from without. Then it is a feeling that is incomparably better than the feeling of power over others. When this is achieved, you will most probably discover that others will value and love you more honestly than you could achieve using any type of trickery.

As a rule, if in conversation with someone you feel subtly manipulated, even if you don't understand how - it's very likely that you were. Practically any communication skill can be used dishonestly. The key is the intention and the attitude of the other person, while their external behavior might be difficult to recognize as manipulative. Yet, it's almost impossible to play that game without tiny non-verbal signals giving us out: subtle changes in tonality, increased rigidity, small incongruences or lack of spontaneity - things that people probably won't even notice consciously, but unconsciously they will.

In such a case, usually there is an intuitive feeling, something like "something feels strange about this, but I'm not sure what". The sooner you acknowledge and explore that feeling, the better (but to be able to make it quickly, instead when it's too late, you need to exercise observing your feelings.) To avoid being manipulated, often is a good idea to say to the other person that you need some time to think, for example if somebody is asking for a favor. Especially if you are being persuaded to make a purchase, say that you'll be back after you have given it some thought, go outside, take a walk and contemplate the decision without external influence.

It's so much easier to live with honesty, instead of having to constantly control ourselves and pretend something we don't really feel; constantly paying attention if we missed something or if somebody might see through our act. Would you really want to invest so much energy into manipulation, even if you thought that there were no other problem the desire to manipulate people might be indicating?

You might be playing a short-term game, which means you are probably aware that you don't really care about consequences for the other person. Another possibility is that you want to keep people around you impressed continuously (desire to have charisma) to be able to feel important or powerful. In this case, disrespect to others, as well as disrespect to your own self, might be unconscious - inner sense of not being worthy or important enough, which is covered by attempts to control others. A person without internal self-esteem will be attracted to methods, books and workshops offering power and charisma, hoping to fill the inner void created by unconscious belief that his true self and honest feelings cannot attract love and appreciation.

I've mentioned seduction methods earlier. Often, some seduction methods are used as common and even expected "mating rituals": flirting, gifts, emphasizing physical attributes, compliments... Sometimes, the seducer might be honestly interested, and sometimes selfishly, but since the behavior is the same, it might be difficult to distinguish one from the other. The "seduced" person might want to believe that was honest, might enjoy the attention and good feelings. Such person might hope that the "seducer" is using such stereotipic behavior because it's a normal and familiar way to be romantic.

Sometimes it is so, yet I would say that the more natural and spontane one is in expressing his romantic feelings, the more likely it is that he is honest and open in the other areas of life, and that he has healthy self-esteem which allows him to be himself. As an additional help in estimating potential love interest, observe how she communicates with people who are not so important in her life. When the romance wears of, she will probably treat you in a similar way.

When you use communication skills, ask yourself if you're using them to hide your true intention and feelings, or to express them in the most appropriate way. Every time we use communication skills to avoid being honest and open, we also reject our own true self and the chance to accept ourselves. Also, in the future it will be more difficult to respect yourself, knowing how you used people without caring for consequences they would suffer.

The price of artificial power over others - even if we manage to achieve it - is that we can never relax and be ourselves. We will be under pressure to keep sustaining the illusion, not only in relationships with others, but also ourselves. We are constantly careful and worrying if the others might finally see through us. What the authors of all those books on charisma and persuasion won't tell you, is that having control over others presumes much worse, painful control over yourself, over the most honest and true parts of you. Pehaps there are few better examples of the "boomerang - effect" than the methods for controlling others.

If you are tempted to try this kind of games, ask yourself: do you want relaxed, spontane relationships with healthy people who wouldn't tolerate this kind of games, people who see you and appreciate you as you are - or do you want to see people as puppets, try to mold them into what you desire, and thus attract immature people who accept games and pretense, who couldn't see you and love you if you relaxed?

Whenever I met people who manipulated others, even if they had succeded in getting some power and influence over others, I never felt that they were really happy, really liking and appreciating themselves. The price of being a successful manipulator is that other people might like, maybe even admire, your act, a false projection, but not your true self. Incidentally, it's the same attitude you yourself come from, and the more you succeed in manipulation, the more difficult it is to recognize and change it. The price you pay is your self-esteem, because, no matter how much you deny or justify it, you know you cheat people. On the other hand, I've also met people who radiate true charisma. Their attractiveness comes from healthy self-esteem - accepting who they are and enjoying their existence.

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