Being your own authority

written by: Kosjenka Muk

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One of the most valuable lessons in human life, in my opinion, is learning to trust yourself and listen to your inner voice, rather than anybody else's. By uncritically accepting the beliefs and opinions of other people, we renounce our own responsibility and power, to the extent that we cannot even call our successes our own. You can probably remember an example from your own life, when you placed a lot of trust in the ideas and opinions of others only to realise one day, either in an easier or more difficult way, that they don't have all the answers and that their truth doesn't necessarily have to be yours. This is a very important lesson and I believe that everybody needs such an experience, sometimes more than one.

Not even the teachers you respect most will always have a correct answer. Nobody in the world can know it all, even if we see them as enlightened. Even if they could, there is always the question of whether there is such a thing as an absolute truth applicable to any situation. If such truths exist, then I believe them to be small in number. Maybe you have experienced a situation when you felt an inner urge to do something that wasn't quite attuned to your beliefs, only to realize after some time that this action created much more benefit for both you and other people than if you had stuck firmly to your ideas. Life is endlessly diverse; people, relationships and circumstances are unique and our inner voice can access a much more powerful source of information than our rational mind.

Unfortunately, most religions and spiritual approaches require the observance of a great number of rules, sometimes very detailed ones, in every aspect of human life; this doesn't allow much space for listening to your inner voice and personal truth. I believe that while seeking security and trying to build self-esteem, through following such rules, we emotionally try to please our spiritual authority in the way we tried (unsuccessfully) to please our parents during childhood. If this requires suppressing your spontaneous urges and feelings, sooner or later we will fail.

Not even the most caring parents are always able to fulfil their child's needs. Some parents do not have enough love and respect for their child as an independent human being, while others are too overwhelmed by work and other duties to be able to provide for the child's emotional needs. Hence, the child soon learns that love is given to him "part-time" and conditionally and starts trying to earn it by striving to be perfect or, if possible, better than others. In adulthood, blind following of other people's rules is a subtle result of this need. Moreover, many children learn not to trust their inner voice and their own decisions, if the parents keep correcting them in a discouraging way. As adults, they can continue to seek advice and direction from other people, rather than accepting the risk of making a mistake. This creates a more or less subtle dependency on external authority. For this to occur, another aspect of the problem must exist - that of the person who places himself in a position of authority to be able to wield power over others.

Most people tend to trust authority as they were taught to do. It appears that we have not only emotional, but also evolutional need to follow our parents, the need that guaranteed survival through millions of years of evolution. Emotionally too, for a child it would be too frightening not to be able to trust the parents. From experience with parents, many people learn to trust a person who seems to be very certain of his own opinions. If something is written in a book or a newspaper, many people will automatically accept it without question. While some people who have a great need for power try to present their ideas as an absolute truth, others can easily be swayed just by somebody's self-confident approach.

The greatest damage is often done by people who are subtle manipulators. You can often find yourself in a situation where everything you are told sounds reasonable and correct and it's difficult to find a counter-argument, yet you still feel that something is wrong or missing. My suggestion in such situations is to take a moment to really listen to that subtle feeling in your body, to try to put it into words. Information acquired this way usually will 'disarm' the person who is trying to manipulate you better than any argument that you come up with rationally.

We should accept doubt as a useful and friendly feeling. Without it, it would be easy to get carried away by any idea and we would be much more vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation. Doubt motivates us to question and differentiate between what are sometimes very similar ideas and information. It's quite normal for scientists, who by definition should have firm proof for their theories, to have very different and conflicting ideas; old theories are thrown away and new ones are 'proven'… and how much easier it is to create theories if we substantiate them only with proof created within our minds.

Listen to that "gut feeling" whenever you read a book or talk to someone. Still, be aware that a feeling of resistance can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy resistance is the one when you can find a reason for your resistance and disagreement when you examine your feelings; the unhealthy one is typically irrational, often more suppressed and we can feel it even if we are aware that everything we read or hear is acceptable and without manipulation. Unhealthy resistance comes from activating suppressed infantile rebellion against authority and its demands: for example a child who was forced to behave unselfishly before he was naturally ready to develop that quality might easily develop a resistance towards any encouragement to be unselfish. If you notice feelings of resistance, explore which words and idioms are the strongest triggers for it. The difference between healthy and unhealthy resistance can be very subtle and sometimes both of them can appear simultaneously. Still, it's possible to learn to recognise them through practice and familiarising yourself with your emotional reactions.

Don't take anything for granted. Check the information you are given, notice the words and idioms the other person is using. Try to think up reasons why some claims might be incomplete or misleading. For example if someone shows you the result of a research study, ask yourself what could have influenced that research to make it insufficiently objective and reliable (don't forget the possibility of the research being paid for by interested parties, as it appears to be common practice).
It is possible to sound very intelligent even if what we say doesn't really make sense. Some people who are skilful with words are able to easily create different combinations of words and make them sound meaningful, even wise. I have met quite a few such people and you probably have too. Just for practice, try reading some 'highly intellectual' books, and then explore within your body which words sound to you as carrying a certain depth and which sound like hollow intellectualizing.
One way of manipulating people is to draw conclusions from unproven and unreliable statements. Many people will be too blinded by the apparent logic of the conclusion that they will not pay attention to the reliability of the facts from which they were deduced. Even if the person is not lying consciously - how are we to know that the facts he has are correct? Many people will give you unreliable information with good intentions.

Since we ourselves are not perfect either, it is equally important to check our own behaviour; however, since self-examination will be the topic of many of the following articles we will not focus on it here and now.

Manipulators refer to positive ideals and emotional aspirations through big words such as love, light, truth, spirituality, God… This often covers up a lack of sincere, rational arguments.
(A true quote: 'You must let your Higher-Self show you I'm right!' This is an example of quite an evident, non-subtle manipulation - really skilful manipulators would be much more indirect.)

A good advice that I was once given was: if somebody talks in big, abstract words, check what he wants from you! Some might want only your approval or admiration, while others might want to take advantage of you in a much more specific way. Even a simple lack of respect for your own personal choices and beliefs is sufficiently good reason to be cautious, even if you feel the person might be right.

Actually, in average human communication it is very rare to hear something that we can accept as the truth without any reservation. Talking from one's own limitations and beliefs, creating conclusions on the basis of a small number of examples, selectively adjusting ideas or facts to one's own convictions or to the needs of the situation, embellishing a story for one's own benefit (or just for effect), accepting ideas only because they sound nice or help build one's ego… There is an infinite number of ways in which reality can be twisted, even if unconsciously and unintentionally. Keep this in mind while talking to people you trust and for whom you know do not wish to manipulate you. And regardless of how much you appreciate somebody's intelligence, experience, wisdom, or even spiritual authority, always keep in mind that even this person could make a mistake at any moment. Not in order to criticize that person - it is completely unrealistic to expect anybody to be perfect - but rather in order to stay within your own truth and live your own life, instead of somebody else's.

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