Children Need Challenges

written by: Kosjenka Muk

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While working with people, we notice that people from problematic, chaotic families quite often develop important life resources very early: for example intelligence (in order to understand confusing situations and to find way out of such situations), perseverance, inner strength, ability to cope with difficulties, sensibility, empathy, sense of humor (as a way of relieving one’s own and other people’s unpleasant emotions, or as a strategy of finding one’s place within a group).

Likewise, it can be frequently noticed that children who grow up in protective families that provide everything, grow up into average and often not particularly strong and confident people. Sometimes they can become egotistic and spoiled people, as it can be seen especially in the last several decades when "children first" is a prevalent attitude and many parents neglect the need to set boundaries and teach the child to cooperate. (This unbalanced attitude is partly a reaction to "adults first" approach of past decades and centuries - and health is in balancing everybody's needs.)

Of course, this is not a rule, but it happens a lot. Every family is a complex whole, and the child’s experiences are multidimensional. There are no mathematical criteria according to which all influences and their consequences for the child could be organized. Likewise, the same influences can cause several different consequences, of which some are unpleasant, and some are useful and important: chaos and traumas can trigger the development of the above mentioned resources and positive features as a way to survive, but at the same time create lasting fear, anger, guilt and a negative impression about oneself. Parental care and attention can create a feeling that we are worthy and acceptable, but also average or below average abilities, motivation and self-confidence on the other hand, due to lack of challenges. As in case of most individual and global life circumstances, consequences are never black and white, but always a combination of the “positive” and “negative”.

Many people who were strongly protected by their parents, claim that this very protection made them insecure and unable to cope with challenges, since they didn't have much chance to experience whether they were able to cope with problems and unpleasant situations, nor to practice resourcefulness and creativity. On the other hand, nobody would like to be in the shoes of those who suffered neglect, abuse or who were ridiculed, and such people know very well that they had to pay a high price for their inner strength by acquiring some unpleasant patterns.

However, by applying some awareness and effort you can enable your child to “have her cake and eat it”. It is not necessary to expose the child to heavy traumas so that he would develop above average resources! What is important is not a strong and frequent unpleasant experience, but significant and frequent challenges. This is what families who protect and take care of their children often lack: they may neglect the child’s need to face challenging situations to stimulate his hidden resources.

Shaping challenges

You can shape challenges so that they stimulate thinking, perception, sensitivity and strength, while simultaneously giving care and attention to your child. The key lies in giving your child emotional support, at the same time leaving it to him to complete as many challenging tasks as possible.

It is important to adjust the challenge to the stage of the child’s development as to target approximately the upper limit of her current abilities, just a little exceeding her “zone of comfort”, enough to make it problematic and not easy, but not so difficult for the child to get discouraged and to start doubting herself. Children do it spontaneously, always reaching a little more, always trying to go a little further and better. Observe your child carefully in order to find out if the challenge suits him. If the child is at least partially interested and motivated, you can continue. If you notice that he shows strong sings of stress or fear, maybe it is best to postpone the task and find something else.

Provide as many different challenges as possible: ranging from the physical ones (dressing, tying shoes, including children in household work - don't give them your fragile china to clean, though), intellectual (e.g. buy a book of puzzles or games that require thinking, teach the child to read or to speak a foreign language as early as possible – a two or a three-year old child can slowly get used to recognizing letters, and at the age of four many children are ready to start reading) up to social tasks (solving relationship and communication related problems). Try to think them out in form of games as often as possible. Avoid offering ready-made solutions to the child, it is better to help the child come up with solutions by asking sub-questions. Encourage him to create as many solutions as possible, e.g. “Johnny is ridiculed by other children at school. Think about at least 10 different things that Johnny could do about it!” Follow the child’s thinking process about this problem and help her with sub-questions such as: “Which negative consequences can you think of? Who other could you include? What is important to know about other people and why are they doing what they are doing? Have you forgotten something? Can some of these solutions be improved?” Be gentle with those questions and don't push so much to discourage the child.

Certainly, a lack of time is a problem for many parents. However, you do not have to sit the entire day with your child asking him/her such questions. It is enough to ask several questions while you are doing something else or to take advantage of situations when your child has a real problem. You can use time during lunch breaks at work or the ride back home from work to think about new challenges for your child.

Let your child occasionally get hurt, scratched or burnt, especially if he is ignoring your warnings. This won't have long term consequences, but the child will learn to control his movements and decisions better, and to assess his abilities and the consequences of his actions more accurately. Do not attempt - except very exceptionally – to solve his conflicts with other children instead of him. Children are able to cope with the unpleasantness of these conflicts – actually, many people go through much more difficult social experiences as children than as adults – quite successfully, if they have your emotional support and encouragement. However, you can help them to think about these conflicts and their possible solutions.

Avoid trying to make your child’s life easier in terms of daily tasks. As soon as he/she becomes able to do something – eat, dress up, go to school alone – do not do it instead of him/her except in exceptional cases. What is important is emotional support and acceptance, avoiding verbal or non-verbal critique, except when it is necessary. You will make your child’s and your own life easier – the child’s in the long term, and yours both short and long term.
  
In such a way, by applying some extra effort and awareness, you can help your child build firm foundations, strong steppingstone for creating an above-average and high quality life on all levels.

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